Itchy, itchy, scratch, scratch

I am SO unbelievably excited.  I have been itching all day long to get to my computer so I can blog!  (yes, yes, I have the blogger app, but my goodness - I canNOT write out an entire blog on my phone!)


This morning ... I was broken.

Okay ... let me clear this up a little bit.  I am a Christian.  I was saved back in December of 2006.  I was truly on fire for the Lord for about a year.  Then I began slacking.  I stopped reading my Bible every day.  I stopped praying every day.  Heck, I stopped praying when I needed to pray.  In fact, if anyone brought up praying, I would actually experience a mini anxiety attack.  Needless to say, I was NOT a good Christian.

This morning, Mike called me to inform me that our finances were quite bleak.  Things are not looking good for us and won't for awhile, barring some sort of miracle.  (Mind you, they're not TERRIBLE, people are experiencing much worse, but they're definitely not good.)

I was SO depressed on my way to drop Katie off and on the way to work.  I barely talked to my mother-in-law when I brought Katie over.

(This may seem like a sidebar, but I promise, it's not.)  I have a 6-CD changer in my car.  #1 is The Band Perry.  #2 is some crappy random mix CD I made Mike when we were dating.  #3 is The Wedding.  #4 is a message by my pastor on marriage.  #5 is Hillsong Live.  #6 is a Wow CD.

CD #5 came up.  Hillsong.  Worship music.  Live.  Normally, it's just background music.  And the first few songs were just that.  Background noise to the utter defeat I was feeling.  Then "Hosanna" came on. Another song that is normally just a part of the backdrop.  Before I knew it, though, my hand was raised (unheard of for me) and tears were streaming down my face.

I was broken.

I sang out to the Lord.  I cried out to the Lord.  I begged him to break me, to mold me, to "break my heart for what breaks Yours."  I let the tears fall, knowing what I must have looked like to everyone driving around me.  I didn't care.  It was time between just me and my Lord.  He was speaking to me and I was listening.

I got to work about 20 minutes early.  I knew I was going to be early and thought I'd just take the extra time on my paycheck.  But as soon as that song came on, I knew it was going to happen differently.  I used that extra time to read my Bible (well, my Bible app) and to pray.

I prayed about so many things.  I prayed for God to heal my heart (which has been aching for Him for so long ... I just didn't realize it).  I prayed for God to give me the courage to follow through with my committment to a Bible study this year (studying through the book of Acts from September through May.  By myself.  With no one I know.  I know some great, God-centered friendships are going to grow from this).  I prayed for God to heal all of the things that are beginning to crumble in our lives. I prayed for God to give me the strength and conviction to be a better witness for Him.

I prayed for God to give us direction on this big decision in our lives.  I prayed that, whatever His will, either Mike's heart or my heart would change.  I don't want either of us to feel defeated or betrayed or bullied.

And you know what?  It is amazing how the Lord works.  I already feel a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders.  I didn't have an anger the moment I walked in the door, anticipating what annoyances I'm going to experience.  I didn't yell at Katie when she got upset about leaving YaYa's house.  I made dinner without huffing.  I did the dishes before dinner without getting annoyed.  And Mike did the dishes after.  Without me asking.  Without him even mentioning it to me.

I can feel the changes already.  And I'm so excited for what the Lord has in store for us.

For your viewing, listening, and spiritual pleasure: