Wednesday, January 15, 2014

January 15th

I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this.  I'm writing this today (the 10th) and scheduling it for the 15th.  That gives me 5 days to decide if I want to actually post it or cancel it.  If you're reading this, either I forgot (unlikely) or I decided to post it.

A couple weeks ago (the last Sunday before the new year, to be exact), my pastor gave this nice little sermon on how to make 2014 the best year ever.  I know that may seem kind of motivational speaker-y for a Sunday sermon and he even admitted that.  But that's not really what it was about.  It wasn't some 5 step plan on how to make more money, how to make a life changing decision, how to lost that last 10 pounds so you could finally be happy.

Instead, he did what he always does: he brought us to Scripture and gave us the answer.  Because, really, there isn't any question you could have that doesn't have its answer in Scripture.  Philippians 3:13-14

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forwrd to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

So how do you make 2014 your best year ever?  Forget the past.  Focus on the future.

Forgetting the past can be difficult.  Impossible, even.  The reminder to forget something is just that - a reminder.  Some things can be forgotten more easily if they're just never discussed.  Some things are easier to forget when they're out in the open, made public knowledge.

All that to say this: Today is January 15th.  Today is my due date.

Well, let me rephrase that.  It was my due date.  It should be my due date?  I don't like using the word "should" because it implies that God made a mistake.  I should be pregnant.  I should be getting ready to bring a 3rd baby home.

I thought that having had a miscarriage already would make things easier.  Seeing Katy, looking into her eyes and knowing that, without that first miscarriage, I wouldn't have her.  That should make things easier, right?

Or hearing Mikey's full belly laugh.  If I hadn't miscarried before him, I wouldn't have those cheeks to pinch or those blond curls behind his ears to twirl.  That should make it easier!

But it doesn't.  It honestly doesn't matter how far along you are (9 weeks with the first, 5 weeks with the second, 9 weeks with the third), whether or not you saw the baby alive (no to that on the first two, but yes with the third).  It doesn't matter if the pregnancy was planned or a pleasant surprise (this third one?  Yeah, wasn't exactly planned).  It doesn't really matter the logistics surrounding it all.  A loss is a loss.  And losses hurt.

Sometimes I look at those wonderfully full bellies around me and I have to stop myself from saying "I should be farther along than you."

I have to admit that I have definitely cried harder with this third loss than I did with the other two.  With the first one, it's just a fact of life.  A lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.  It just means there was something wrong.  After the second one, we got pregnant so quickly with Mikey that I didn't even have time to really cry.  But this third one?  Honestly, at what point to you stop thinking it's just a fact of life and start thinking there's something wrong with you?  I was so angry after the third.  Not angry at God, mind you.  Angry at myself.  Angry at my body for doing this.  Angry at my heart for continuing to want another baby.  Because that sucks too, y'all.  Realizing that, despite all of the hurt I've felt, I still hope.  I still want more babies.  I still want to carry babies in my belly, I still want to hold them and breathe in their smell.  I don't want to stop.

But it's been several months now since my miscarriage.  I've had time to heal from it.  I still think about it, obviously.  I wonder what kind of personality would be joining us.  And I really don't want to forget about it.  But I do want to forget the anger, the doubts, the disappointment.  I want to forget the pain.

I totally think 2014 is going to be my best year ever.