from standing tall to kneeling humbly

Wow.  Nothing like a moment of minuscule pride to really highlight an area of unconfessed sin.

Maybe it's because I've been doing a Bible reading plan on ways that Scripture teaches us to pray.  And the last couple of days has been about praying through unconfessed sin and repenting.  And then my pastor brought up confessing your unconfessed sins and repenting during Sunday's service.  Maybe that's why I'm a little more sensitive to it.  Or maybe it's because I'm slowly growing more in my faith and I've been more easily convicted of things.  Or maybe it's because I'm no longer trying to quench the Holy Spirit but rather invite Him in.  Or maybe it's all of the above.

All I know is that I texted Mike (and haven't even gotten a response back yet because he's at work) that his wife is a rock star and *boom* light bulb *DING DING DING* SIN!  PRIDE!  GET OUT OF THIS!  GET ON YOUR KNEES WOMAN BECAUSE YOU ARE A SINNER!

It started simple enough - I wanted to shovel the driveway.  It snowed a little bit more today (like maybe a half an inch?) but there was a little coating on the driveway and sidewalks, I saw the mailman stumble a little bit, and Katy wanted to play in the snow.  Perfect storm for bundling up the kids and heading out for a little sweat in the frigid temperatures.  (Also, I should add, the sun was shining so it really was beautiful out there.)

But what started out as simply wanting to shovel the driveway turned into this type-A driven NEED to get every inch of the driveway completely cleared of any trace of snow and/or ice.  And every time I got to a particularly rough patch, I mumbled to myself "If only Mike had done this better at the start, I wouldn't need to work so hard to get this ice up.  It shouldn't take this much to get a half inch of snow off the driveway."  Got inside, made hot chocolate for me & Katy (which, after a week of insisting she wanted some and never drinking it, she finally tasted and declared it "disgusting"), did the dishes, and got to work on other things around the house.

And now, here I am, suddenly immersed in this feeling of disgust.  Because I have been a controlling, unfair, mean wife and mother.  I ask Mike to do something, he does it, I decide it's not up to my standards, redo it (or don't ask him to do it next time), and then get MAD at him because I have so many things I "need" to do and never have a moment.  It's this vicious cycle and it's entirely my fault - it's my need to control everything.

I've gotten better at giving up control to God in a lot of circumstances.  It's not super public knowledge (although, I guess it is now) that we're sort of trying for a third baby.  And that's such an easy thing to want to try to control - but we've discovered that it's so much easier to give it to Him, the one who truly decides when we can have another baby.  Handing over the reins to the One who reigns is almost becoming second nature (although there are still areas where that's harder - prayers are appreciated).

But I'm struggling to hand over the reins to the person who sits beside me.  I have a hard time asking for help (a point of contention in our house, most days - I can't tell you how often Mike says "I wish you would just ask for help").  I have a hard time accepting the best that my husband gives.  It's an area where I struggle, this giving up control.  But I pray that, in time, it's something I can be better at.  There's no reason why I should put an added pressure on my marriage, something created by God that the Enemy wants to see destroyed.

Pray for me, please.  (By the way, that's another thing I also struggle with - asking people to pray for me.  It's hard to ask for someone's prayers when I have friends blowing up my news feed with cancer diagnoses and months spent in hospitals and spouses being laid off and marriages ending.)