Breathe In, Breathe Out

Deep breaths.  I keep forgetting to take deep breaths.

This week has been cah-razy!!  It was my first full week back to school, with last week pretty much just being introductions, passing out of syllabi, what have you.

Let me tell you, I am exhausted.

I added another class this semester which, reflecting on, maybe I shouldn't have done.  Especially not with one of those classes being biology.

Have I mentioned I hate biology?  Well, I do.  I loathe it.  With every fiber of my being.  BUT I need life science classes and, well, you tell me what I'm to do if not take biology.  Exactly.

But other than school being a tad bit overwhelming, I've slowly begun to feel like I'm drowning.

We found out last week that my grandmother has lung cancer.  And we found out this week that it's worse than initially thought.  And here is where my struggles begin.  I feel heartless.  I feel cold.  I feel like I should be crying my eyes out because my grandmother has cancer, but for some reason, I'm just not.

Truthfully, behind it all, is my basic mentality.  I don't believe in karma, per se, but I do believe you get out of life what you put in.  And this goes for health, as well.  For the most party, anyway, but more on that later.  My grandmother is in her 70s (I believe, don't quote me on this - my grandmother was VERY young when my mother was born.  16 to be exact, so my numbers are always a bit hazy).  But she has smoked for over 50 years.  Now, I understand back then it wasn't thought of as cancer-causing.  Yeah, you coughed, but who cares, right?!

Ugh.  Gosh, I don't even know how to work this properly, even though I've gone through it in my head a million times over.  I can only feel so much sympathy for someone who has cancer because of a life choice.  My grandmother chose to smoke, just like my uncle chose to smoke, and just like I chose to quit smoking.  (Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have previously smoked.  For about 9 years.  And I haven't smoked in 4 years, thank you very much!)

The reason I bring this up now is because today my week got even more difficult.  A little back story:

I have this absolutely wonderful customer.  We'll call her E.  She's an absolute sweetheart.  She's in her 40s, lovely as can be.  And cute, did I mention cute?  Yeah, she's aDOREable.  Tiny little lady.  I first really got to know her when she confided in me that her one savings account was a secret account, one that she was slowly putting a little bit of money into each paycheck because she was saving up for a [surprise] trip to Italy for her and her husband for their 20th anniversary.  Yes, she's that wonderful.

Last year, that all went down the drain.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The account was no longer to save up for her romantic trip to Italy with the man she loved.  It went to saving her life, supporting her family while she was out of work, and, after her cancer went into remission, to donating to foundations to find a cure for breast cancer.  Things have been going GREAT for her since then.  Small surgeries, little bit of radiation.  Didn't even have to have a full mastectomy.

Today, she told me her cancer is back.  She's having another surgery next week and will be out of work (with no disability pay) for the next 6-8 weeks.  I am absolutely heartbroken.  Devastated, even.

But I know that the very best thing I can do for her is pray, which I have been and will continue to do.

I know I don't have very many followers, but if you all could pray for her as well, I would greatly appreciate it.